On Sleeping (Or Lack There Of)

It's been 36 days since my last good sleep. 

I've slept since then, but it hasn't been real sleep. It's the limbo somewhere in between. To quote the great Chuck Palahniuk: "with insomnia, you're never really awake, and you're never really asleep".  And it's true. I honestly don't ever feel like I've rested and when I'm awake it doesn't actually feel like I'm awake. This really is starting to effect my quality of life. I no longer enjoy doing the things I enjoy doing. Even doing day to day things like showering, checking the mail, cooking dinner were all things I liked to do and I was happy in my little routine. Now I'm lucky to have an ounce of energy or excitement for any task. Which is really unfortunate for Josie. My attention span is as long as my pinky nail if anything at all. My anxiety levels are through the roof. And I'm not one to say I have ever had anxiety issues or depression, nor would I ever seek attention for such things. I'm generally a pretty laid back, easy going, happy person. Needless to say I feel nothing like myself these days. Oh how I yearn to lay in bed, close my eyes, think happy thoughts and just ease into a nice fluffy cloud of sleep. Instead, I'm checking all the door locks twice, watching the same episodes of the Mindy Project for 6 hours while my mind races until finally, my body checks out for a moment, or if I'm lucky, a few hours. 

How do I know it's been 36 days? I start to get a little obsessive when I get into these bouts of insomnia, or whatever it is that is happening to me. I started keeping sleep journals about a decade ago. It's never exceeded two weeks before, so it is worrisome that it's lasted this long. This is the first time I've leaned on substances to force me to sleep. Unfortunately, sleeping pills don't work anyway. They just make me feel like crap.

The doctor tells me I need to quit caffeine, reset my sleep and get on with my life. If only it were so easy. If only I hadn't been going through this cycle since as far back as I can remember. If only I had never experienced shooting out of bed, cold sweat and tears, racing heart, screaming for someone, who never came to my aid. If only this had been dealt with in the beginning, maybe I would know how to handle "resetting my sleep". Even if I did, no one ever tells me how to stop the nightmares. And so the cycle continues after a month or so. 

I don't like to talk about personal stuff like this on my blog, but, I wanted to share why I've been a bit absent the past week. Its easier to get out my emotions when I write in diary form sometimes. It may be a bit longer before I have any ambition to write or create anything. In the mean time, I do hope you, my lovely readers, stick around while I sort this out. Or, if you have any answers, or share the same anxieties as me, please share. I'm at the point where I will do anything to feel normal again. 

xo Amber